Yeah, okay.  I'll admit I stole the title for my blog from Chris Farley.  If you know me, you know I'm like that:  I'll find a good idea and rip the sumbitch off in a heartbeat.  However, I also did it because my wife absolutely LOVES Farley, and would probably be chasing him all over the world to marry him if he were still around (and, of course, if she weren't married to me.)

After years of thinking about it, I've finally decided to take the plunge and crank out a blog.  Why?  Because in the twenty-year process of putting together the material that forms the book I'm STILL writing, I've often found myself with short stories, jokes, and other stuff that doesn't fit the story filling up valuable space in my (all-too-small) brain.  So, I've decided to put together a place to drop these little nuggets of crap (I mean WISDOM and ENTERTAINMENT) on you.

Since this is my first post, let me put out the following "rules" I intend to follow:

1.  I'll post whenever the hell I feel like it.  I might do five posts in a day, then nothing for a month.  Those of you who are creative folks know how it works.  Those of you who join me regularly (once this baby's regular) will get the hang of my tardiness.

2.  If profanity offends you, THIS AIN'T YOUR BLOG!!!!  As much as I'll appreciate you following me, if you're gonna waste time chastising me about my use of language, you're wasting the energy you used to type.  This is my space (not MySpace) to put my thoughts out there, and I'm sure as hell not gonna edit my thoughts to be "family friendly".  If you're worried about your kids reading shit they shouldn't, use the content blocker on your computer or install a better one.

3.  If all you're reading this blog for is to rip my writing, piss off and find something better to do with your time, you wanker.  First off, I give less than a shit about your negativity, and unless your criticism is constructive, you're about as helpful as reading glasses to Stevie Wonder.  (And, if that analogy offended, piss off!)

4.  I'm all for a constructive flow of thoughts.  You have an opinion about something I've written?  I'm all for discussing it.  I'm just begging you to have an opinion before you open your metaphorical pie hole and start ripping me a new one.  Also, you have to remember that this IS a two-way street:  you start the discussion, I'll get involved.

5.  Some of my posts are going to be free-flow thoughts about stuff going on in my life.  For me, writing is a form of therapy, and I like it better than paying Dr. Scratch-N-Sniff the $50 copay to have him tell me I'm fat, stressed out, and not prepared to be a parent (speaking of people in the wanker category.....).  If that bores you, I'm okay with that.  I know I'll post something later that's more your style.

6.  However, some of my posts are going to be original works of fiction, both by myself and from friends of mine who are trying to get their works published.  By all means, read them and (hopefully) enjoy them.  But, if you get some bright idea to rip us off and claim it as your own, understand that I WILL use all legal means at my disposal to come after you, and I get real pissy when people mess with my creations.

With that said, the only other "rule" I have is this:

7.  THE FAT MAN'S GOLDEN RULE:  We don't hate on this site.  By that, I mean you need to keep your racist, homophobic, sexist bullshit to yourself.  I'm also not a fan of the word "retarded" or variations thereof, so don't drop that hate on here, either.  I don't believe in hate based on someone's race, religion, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or mental disabilities.  If you do, we can still talk, but keep the hate-based shit to yourself, 'cause I don't want to hear it.  Got it?

Now, all of that being said, if I'm being self-deprecating, I'll read the comments about it.  Sounds like a double-standard, I know, but I figure if I'm pointing out my shortcomings, I'm leaving somebody else alone.  Besides, if you can't have fun at your own expense, you've seriously got to get a fucking life.

I figure that if Gabriel Iglesias can do it, so can I.  Of course, he makes a SHITLOAD more money doing it than I do, but, what the hell.  Right?