Okay, from time to time, I just get a bunch of random shit stuck in my head, and I have to get it loose. Good thing I've got a blog (and blog readers) to throw it at.
Some people see the glass as half full, others as half empty. I say you should've gotten the right sized glass to begin with, you wasteful bastard.
My wife and I bought a new gas grill, which I put together earlier this evening. It's to go with the new deck I've been swearing I'd build for the past year (yeah...no deck yet. Oops.). Why the hell is it I need a fucking degree in engineering, plus four hands, in order to assemble the damn thing? Oh, and if I don't blog again for a bit after Sunday, it's because I blew my hands off after hooking up the gas and lighting it up. Maybe I should forgo the cigar when I light the grill......
On that note, I just LOVE the folks that give me a dirty look when I go outside to the assigned smoking areas at places and pull out a cigar and light up. Listen, fucker, if you can come out and chain smoke your nails, I sure as hell can light up a decent cigar, puff away to my heart's content, and be left the fuck alone. I don't bitch about your cigarettes, leave my cigar alone.
And, don't even get me STARTED on the fuckwads who bitch when I go out to the assigned smoking areas and put in a chew of tobacco. Look, I've been chewing at least as long as you've been smoking, asshole, and I can guarantee you the only way MY secondhand product is going to hurt somebody is if they accidentally drink out of my spit cup. And, if they're dumb enough to do that, frankly, they're getting what they have coming to them for not paying attention.
I'm on the record as a dog lover. Hell, I've got three of the furry little fuckers running around my house right now. But, do me a favor, asshole, and keep yours in your own fucking yard. I don't let mine shit on your front porch, don't let yours shit on my yard. I spend enough time picking up my OWN dogs' shit. I don't need to waste time picking up yours. Got it?
And, YES, the big one IS an English Bulldog. THANK YOU for pointing out how cute he is. Do me a favor, though, and don't try to tell me how cute your little pocket poodle is in comparison, okay? My dog might be a complete wuss, but if you can carry your dog in a purse, it's no longer a dog. It's the source of your dumping of a shitload of personal issues. Take the dog out of the purse, put a collar and/or harness on it, add the leash, and walk it like the FUCKING DOG IT IS.
And you folks who STROLLER WALK your dogs? No....not going there. Just find the dog a good home for its own good, would you please?
On a side note, if you own a bulldog, Boston Terrier (of which I've got two), or some other flat-nosed dog, DO NOT have people over to the house that are easily offended, because if farting is something that makes them sick, the dogs will gross them out worse than you EVER could. I know this from experience.
Speaking of making people uncomfortable with your dogs.....is it weird that I'm thinking about recording my dogs' antics and charging people to watch it? One of my female Bostons does this face-and-back humping thing to my bulldog that I think some folks might pay $20 a month to watch. It would at least cover the cost of the vet bills and dog food. Maybe I'm onto something. Or, maybe I'm just ON something.
Those who know me know I'm a die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan. Since I live in Illinois, I tend to run into a fair amount of Cubs fans, who I try to not feel too sorry for. I always love it when they try to tell me that "this is OUR year." Your year for what? Breaking the record for fewest wins in a season? Having the most players on the DL and the arrest log in a month? Let me take a second to make something very clear to Cubs fans: until you get some REAL ownership that understands the concept of developing prime talent, allowing them to mature, and spending money on the right veteran talent to compliment them, the only thing you've got going for you is that Wrigley Field is a very cool ballpark. Very cool.
And, to those who believe the owners of the rooftops surrounding Wrigley have some sort of "right" to not have their line-of-sight blocked by ballpark improvements: get over yourself. You managed for years to make a very tidy profit selling seats to a game you had no authority to sell them to. Then, when you had to sign contracts with the team to do it, you bitched and moaned about your "rights" being taken away. Let me explain how this works: the owner of the team has the right to make the improvements needed to his stadium in order to maximize his revenue. You have the right to shut the fuck up and realize you had a hell of a thing going for awhile. Do yourself a favor and get out of the way of your team trying to make some progress. Otherwise, it is entirely possible they could leave. Don't think they will? Ask the folks in Montreal how that worked out for them. Or football fans in Cleveland when the Browns 1.0 moved to Baltimore, or the Colts moved to Indy. Just when you think your team doesn't have the balls to move, that's when they whip out a big old set of click-clacks, call the moving van, and roll out of town giving you the finger as they leave. And I'm from St. Louis, where we had a football team do it to us once, and it wouldn't surprise me to see it done again.
To those folks who are hoarding all the ammunition so I can't buy any: you know that "scare" about guns and ammo being limited is pretty much just a ploy to get your to buy more guns and ammo, right? I'll expand on that in a future post.
Okay, I'm done ranting for now. More to come.....
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