Sometimes Life Just Sucks......

So, I read two Facebook posts today from two different friends covering two completely different types of loss.  As I sat staring at them, since one of them, which involved the death of a high school classmate the same age as me, I was trying to come up with the right words to say.  Needless to say, there aren't any "right" words.  Instead, I decided to talk about life, loss, and how things just tend to suck sometimes.

No apologies offered for this one being a downer, but I WILL admit up front to NOT naming specific names out of respect for all involved.  My blog, my rules, my prerogative.  Besides, if you follow me on Facebook, you probably already know about the two incidents I'm referring to.

Nothing on planet Earth prepares us for losing a loved one, and the bitch of it all is that we know, as children, that one of our jobs, eventually, will be to say goodbye to our parents.  For some of us, it comes early in life, and very unexpectedly.  For others, it comes after a very long, well-lived life.  In my case, with my dad six and a half years ago, it was a bit in the middle:  entirely too early, at 54, but not unexpected, as he'd been undergoing cancer treatments for 6 months.  No matter how long you have to plan, it's never easy, and I have to admit that after all this time, there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk about him or think about him. In fact, my friends and I were talking about him on Saturday as we were building my new deck.  Mostly, we were talking about how I was "doing Dad proud" by building a monstrosity of a deck, which was JUST the way he liked to do it.

Of course, there's times I wish he was around to talk to, especially when I need advice on things.  Regardless of how much I might bitch, whine, and moan about my relationship with him, I could always depend on him to give me reliable advice, and there are times that I dearly miss it.  It was really hard that first year, since I wouldn't take his phone number out of my cell phone, and I couldn't think about him without breaking down completely.  I couldn't figure out how the hell I was going to get through.

Here's the thing:  I got through.  What I figured out was that ALL of those feelings are completely normal.  Hell, if you DON'T go through it, there's something wrong with you.  Grief is a natural part of the cycle, and you NEED to go through it.  I always want to nut punch the guys who come out and say "I have to be strong for the family."  Bullshit.  That line was thought up by a man (naturally) who wanted an excuse to not share his feelings.  It's 2013, which means it's time to get with letting your emotions out.  It's healthier than bottling it all up, and, in my opinion, an easier way to get along with your life, since you're facing the things that upset you the most.

I work in a field where we deal with death more than in other fields (short working in a nursing home, hospital, or hospice care), and I've found one of my consumers (that's what we call them) dead in their apartment (about 2 years ago), while my wife's found two (in the past 12 months).  These situations are a bit different, as our relationships with those who passed was not so much personal as professional.  But, then again, it's not all that much different than having a co-worker pass away.  For me, the same rules as above apply:  be open, be honest, and let the emotions out.

And, mind you, this is regardless of how the person passed:  overdose, suicide, medical misadventure, etc.  Regardless of how you might feel about any of those things personally, you still need to grieve in your own way, in your own time.  Don't EVER let anyone tell you how you SHOULD be feeling.  Screw them.  Feel however the hell you WANT or NEED to feel.

Okay, so let me move from one of the deepest levels of loss to one that, while not quite as deep, can still have a lasting impact.  Another friend of mine discussed the foreign exchange student that had been staying in her home for the past year returning to her home country, and how sad that made her.

Let me begin with a side note:  I've decided I have GOT to get my friend to let me write up her story.  In my honest opinion, I believe it would be one helluva piece of inspirational reading, since she went through more before she got into high school than most people go through in a lifetime.  Just saying.

Okay, back to the point....

This type of loss is a bit closer to the types of loss that more of us feel more often:  the loss of that person (or thing) that has only been a part of your life for a short period of time, but has made enough of an impact on you that you can't remember what your life was like before them.

I use myself (again) as an example.  Many of my friends are aware that my wife and I were blessed to have a foster baby placed with us almost one year ago.  She was two days old, and from all the information we'd been given, this was going to be a "permanent placement" with the potential, eventually, for adoption.  When you've been trying forever to have a child of your own and a beautiful, healthy baby girl is dropped in your lap with that kind of news, you're over the moon.  For 10 weeks, we went through what every pair of new parents go through, and that's EVERY high and low.  At the ten week mark, however, a judge with no clue as to what was going on decided that it would be better to move this little girl to another county.  We, of course, had no choice and no recourse, and while there's a whole helluva lot more to the story, I'm not going to go there for now because it doesn't impact the point I'm making.

Jen and I had to grieve the loss.  We did, in our own way.  We wouldn't do any of her (the baby's) sheets or blankets laundry for awhile, because we wanted to be able to smell her scent.  The only concession we made to her being gone was to remove the baby monitor from our bedroom, since it was a very painful reminder of our loss.  Neither of us would go into the baby's room for weeks, because we wanted to avoid the reminder.

Eventually, we realized we needed to find a way past and through, and we did the laundry and began using the room again.  I'm not saying that's what my friend needs to do, but I would recommend to anyone else who's looking for advice that you SHOULD go at whatever pace feels right to you.  Now, if you wind up wearing tin foil on your head, we need to talk, but otherwise, have at it.

I said upfront that I'd been looking for the right words to say in both of these situations.  Truth is, this is the best I can do......

Sometimes, life just sucks.